Worrying a little too much

In the midst of working on the card for my mom, I am also trying to work on several other projects. The most important project is the re-launch of my website, which isn't honestly that big, complex, or intriguing. However, I previously pulled it down after being published for a little while, already, much like I pulled down my former blog. And for many of the same reasons.


I am at a point now where I could EASILY have the site back up, but I am so halted right now, out of fear. I wanted to change the site so that it looked different and conveyed more of ME as an artist than I had in the other site. However, it's been rough because though I have made changes that are significant, I am still so very afraid that I will not be perceived as having made any, or made changes enough to be perceived as positive. I am having "artist self doubt," which I struggle with a lot anyway, on both creative and personal levels. I am at a point right now where I have to write a little biography about myself, and I am scared out of my mind.

I want the bio to be different than my former bio -- one, for it being different-looking, and different in the way it reads; and two, for it to reflect change and growth within myself and my artwork. I have no idea if these differences will be perceived, and honestly I don't know if it matters. But because of the aforementioned fear in addition to worrying about it being different (and different enough), I am stupidly sitting staring at a blank screen, a blank sketchpad. 




I have an incredibly kind and generous person who is helping me put my site together -- the same person I had helping me before I shut the former site down for a time. And I am here on the other end of the internet dragging my feet. It isn't fair to him. I feel rotten for procrastinating so much. 


I have done the website tasks that are behind the scenes and now I'm to the almost-last steps that will make this thing become public. And because of fear, I feel worse than ever -- not excited and anticipating, as I should feel. So I need to get brave. And I need to just write a little bio and not think about it. And I need to be happy because I've done it. And then once I do it I need to stop thinking about the what-ifs any more. And I need to scar over this whole thing inside of myself because there is always a good chance I may be compelled to shut down the site again. And if I am ever there in the future, I want to not get afraid, as I might have done before, stand behind my changes, and look my fear in the eyes without flinching.


Being one's own self can be scary, but it can also be liberating and awesome, and I'm hoping for the latter more than anything. 

Let's make it happen, Becca.