Saturday, October 30, 2010

Worrying a little too much

In the midst of working on the card for my mom, I am also trying to work on several other projects. The most important project is the re-launch of my website, which isn't honestly that big, complex, or intriguing. However, I previously pulled it down after being published for a little while, already, much like I pulled down my former blog. And for many of the same reasons.


I am at a point now where I could EASILY have the site back up, but I am so halted right now, out of fear. I wanted to change the site so that it looked different and conveyed more of ME as an artist than I had in the other site. However, it's been rough because though I have made changes that are significant, I am still so very afraid that I will not be perceived as having made any, or made changes enough to be perceived as positive. I am having "artist self doubt," which I struggle with a lot anyway, on both creative and personal levels. I am at a point right now where I have to write a little biography about myself, and I am scared out of my mind.








I want the bio to be different than my former bio -- one, for it being different-looking, and different in the way it reads; and two, for it to reflect change and growth within myself and my artwork. I have no idea if these differences will be perceived, and honestly I don't know if it matters. But because of the aforementioned fear in addition to worrying about it being different (and different enough), I am stupidly sitting staring at a blank screen, a blank sketchpad. 




I have an incredibly kind and generous person who is helping me put my site together -- the same person I had helping me before I shut the former site down for a time. And I am here on the other end of the internet dragging my feet. It isn't fair to him. I feel rotten for procrastinating so much. 


I have done the website tasks that are behind the scenes and now I'm to the almost-last steps that will make this thing become public. And because of fear, I feel worse than ever -- not excited and anticipating, as I should feel. So I need to get brave. And I need to just write a little bio and not think about it. And I need to be happy because I've done it. And then once I do it I need to stop thinking about the what-ifs any more. And I need to scar over this whole thing inside of myself because there is always a good chance I may be compelled to shut down the site again. And if I am ever there in the future, I want to not get afraid, as I might have done before, stand behind my changes, and look my fear in the eyes without flinching.


Being one's own self can be scary, but it can also be liberating and awesome, and I'm hoping for the latter more than anything. 





Let's make it happen, Becca.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The verdict is in...

She no likey.

So I'll keep trying on designs, as I did all day today.

Bonus, though, I'm going to try to put the rejects in my store!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Oh, Mom...

Every year my mom asks me to design a Christmas card for her to give to her friends, co-workers, and family members. She usually gives me a quote that she wants the card to include, and that is a good jumping-off point for me as far as what I need to be designing. It can be tricky getting it just right. I want to give my mother what she truly wants in her card design. I want this for anyone who asks for me to take on a project for them, but my mom is my mom, and I guess there's this little thing with me only wanting the absolute best for her. So I get picky with myself, too, and I allow as many revisions as necessary. No matter how many masterpieces I create, I want to give her the perfect card.


One thing I love about my mom's card requests is that she insists the cards never include anything about Christmas, in general. Instead, she wants her card to be "seasonal," or "holiday," not religious at all, non-denominational, and include a universal message and appeal. It's something that really makes me appreciate my mother's acceptance and openness of other people. Anyone can appreciate something about peacefulness or stillness in the winter time or the way a person's internal light can beam onto other people (no matter how a person interprets that "light.")


This year the theme is peace. It's somewhat cliche, but I am feeling like the bird/dove image may just be the way to go. A lot of women will be receiving the card (men too, but mostly the ladies), and I know a whole slew of ladies who love birds. They're pretty, elegant, whimsical, magical even. So I am trying for the peaceful bird, with a modern "me" spin on it. I didn't give her the quote she suggested, but this can be changed if she absolutely cannot live without the quote that she originally gave me to go on. It was fate that I happened upon the quote I used, and it came at the perfect time, just as I needed to dive more deeply into the design.


"Peace is joy at rest. Joy is peace on its feet." ~ Anne Tammel


This is what I came up with for an idea for my mother. I don't know what it is about the thing, though... because it just feels like something is wrong, missing, or off-kilter just a bit. I have played with colors and shades and tones and texture. I have messed with symmetry and backdrop. I am worried there is too much aqua/teal color in there that it just tips the pot into overkill. I can't seem to put my finger on it, though, and do want to get my mother's take on it first, before making any drastic revisions.

Being that we're in different time zones, I'm not sure when she'll get around to it, but hopefully it's soon. There are other pressing projects I want to move forward with, but the nearness of this one to my family thread makes it feel bigger and more important than some items on my to-do list. 

We shall see! 

I'll do my best to keep you posted.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Digital drawing fun

A while ago I bumped into this little website called "odosketch," and truly fell in love. Odosketch is basically a little place to draw pictures on your own digital canvas with a limited number of colors and brushes. The colors are all mostly pastel and muted, and the canvas remains a sandy, paper-looking backdrop for your drawing's start. Once you get drawing, you understand that the color of the digital canvas and the palette of sketching colors given work really well together. You can erase your mistakes, draw over things, and so on, just as you might do if you were making your own sketch with actual paper and pencil.


(If you're lucky enough to have access to a Wacom drawing tablet, then that will work too... but I like the challenge of using just a mouse. It adds an innocent charm to the end result that I find completely endearing.)


The best part about drawing a digital doodle on odosketch is that once you decide you are finished, you can watch the progression of your drawing as you, the artist, actually drew it. You can see it from the start of the blank canvas, through all your drawing motions -- what you drew first, how you colored it, what you decided you hated and ultimately erased, etc -- all in a sped-up little "film."


I have only drawn 2 small things since finding the site, as it can be a little time consuming. But if you're ever bored, have a bit of time, are feeling creative, and are able to use a mouse well, then click on over to odosketch.com and give sketching there a try.


It's so fun to watch drawing videos that yourself and other people have drawn (the most recent sketches are posted in an updating gallery on the home page that you have access to.) You get to see how many artists work through their drawings from start to finish, what they have erased, how they moved from color to color, brush size to brush size, and so on. It's an intriguing way to spy -- but you have to be quick in your note taking, as the "videos" are so quick.


Here is one piece I've done (of the 2!) that I kinda like.




Sit back, watch, enjoy, and at least once, try it out for yourself.


You're gonna love it.

Monday, October 25, 2010

This is me right now

This is the beginning of a blogging journey I actually started over a year ago, but stopped (and erased) mid-go due to personal reasons. The whole story behind the what and why of the “old” blog of mine is no longer important, I’ve decided, and hey -- who doesn’t love a fresh start? I absolutely do, that’s for sure.
So even though you probably do not know anything about me from the shut-down blog I used to have, I’ll begin by telling you the things that have changed since that year ago when I began.
First, I officially have one year of living “out west” under my belt -- I moved from mid-eastern America to a westwardly area that is absolutely beautiful and filled with glorious mountains. 
I never really understood the magic of the mountains until coming here -- when I first saw them, they honestly looked like those fake Hollywood backdrops we have all seen in movies now and then. They are surreal and beautiful. I feel as though I can reach out my window to touch them and I will honestly hit a cardboard print of a fantastic mountain painting, but it is never this way. Instead, I cannot even reach out to touch the mountains, as they are also terribly deceptive when it comes to telling you how far away they are, or how close the next reachable peak truly is, or just how absolutely HUGE they are in reality. Enough about the mountains. 
The second big change that happened VERY recently for me is our first move to a new apartment here in this western world. Year one was spent in a pretty crumby one bedroom apartment that we both hated and loved. We hated it for its terrible plumbing; its dirty carpet; its not-painted-in-centuries, eggshell-colored walls; its strange set of smells; the dishwasher’s rebellious personality; the frequent visits from the Roto Rooter man; and the sheer lack of space, light, and overall homey warmth. While I do realize it’s at least partially up to the renters to make it feel like a home, it was almost impossible to do, I felt, simply because of the nature of the apartment to oppose all loving forces.
However, we loved the apartment because it was ours. We searched for an affordable place to live, and we found it with sheer luck and a handshake at a horrible time in the community’s rental season. We signed promptly while we were living with M’s parents, and I am proud to have been able to stay with them while we did, but to also to have been able to move out and return their personal space right back to them, polished and restored. 
We loved the apartment for it being ours, for the fact that we actually HAD a dishwasher (no matter how unruly the darned thing was!), for the washer and dryer that accompanied the apartment (though the dryer was knob-less), for the location in the community in general, as it was right on the edge of busy civilization, far enough away to feel like we had space and privacy, but close enough to the organized world that we could get to places quickly and without much travel complaint. Not to mention that the apartment was on the bus line, which is free, and which I used all year long, proudly, brushing up daily on my Spanish and Portuguese as I sat calmly, listening, during the commute into downtown. Finally, one of the coolest parts about the old apartment was our neighbor, D, whom we eventually befriended, learned a lot about, and grew to absolutely love. We recently took a 5 day camping trip at Yellowstone National Park with him, and it was one of the best times we have ever had. D, in general, is one of the COOLEST people anyone will ever meet -- self-employed, highly motivated, living life to the fullest of full, and doing so at an exceptionally young age to be so propelled. He’s an inspiration to me, even as I sit here and write these words.
Our new apartment is much better, with 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms and a beautiful tiled balcony. The apartment came furnished, so we have had the adventure of swapping some of our their stuff for ours when necessary (like the horrendous duvet that was on the master bed for our humble Woolrich blanket with pine cone print.) We took down the giant photograph of an elk that hung above the couch, and replaced it with a fabric rectangle that fills a good portion of the wall, is colorful but not annoying, and matches well with our decor so far. I covered old pillows that were previously on the couch here with bright, cheery fabric that is somewhat girly, but very interesting. I splurged and bought 3 fantastically lush bath mats, lined them up in a row, and made a great under-the-coffee table rug that is so fun to put bare feet on. Things are not finished as far as decorating goes, but this place feels like a home already, and as it stands right now, I could see us living here more than one year, as many renters tend to move as quickly as their short-term leases are expired.
We are still in the same apartment complex as before, so all the outside perks remain (location in the community, bus line). Though we have “lost” our neighbor, D, he remains a good friend, and his apartment (and our old one) is situated so close, still, that it’s a TINY little walk to go visit him. Just last night at nearly 11:30, I was in desperate need to use the internet for a pressing matter of business, and I only had until midnight to get the online task completed. However, being very new to the apartment here, we haven’t yet gotten our internet hooked up. So M called up D to ask if I could trek over and use his connection for a few moments. D obliged, and I literally put on my Uggs and toboggan, walked 1 minute outside, knocked on his door, and I was in. (My point here is that he’s still so close. It’s not really as if we’ve “lost” him at all!)
I digress. 
The third change is Mo. Mo is our cat whom we adopted from the local pet shelter, who is taking up residence with us, and who provides us with so much joy and comfort. Having a pet, in general (one that you can actually cuddle!) gives a family a sense of depth and comfort (and even safety, though he is often quite literally a “scaredy cat” and wouldn’t be able to protect us from intruders at all!). M and I were just M and I for most of the first year, but I reached a point where I felt the internal NEED to have a kitty. It’s comical the way the “kitty urge” hit me like many women get the “mommy urge.” And perhaps Mo serves to that purpose in ways which I am embarrassed to “say out loud” here. But I will say that Mo is a member of a 3 person family, now, and he is that third person. He is loving and loveable, and M even loves and enjoys him, despite his previous desire to have his first pet here be a dog. Mo is quirky and playful. He doesn’t hover, but he likes to be petted. He has a favorite toy we call “tail mouse.” He likes to look out the windows and pretend like he is in the jungle, and he likes the top of the 1st cushion of the couch. Not the 2nd. Not the 3rd. It MUST be the 1st. It’s his spot. 
I am being long-winded, I know, but it feels so freeing to write like this, to reflect on my life as it was and is. I have so many good things to focus on. I am sensitive and prone to unnecessary worry, so I have the disgraceful habit of thinking about all the things that bother me and worry me and make me anxious and afraid. But this blog isn’t for those things as much as it is for the good. I am an artist, in some respects, and hopefully I will be able to post about that, too, which is so lovely and important to me in my full life now. I will do my best to be real and honest, creative and not obsessive, letting the flow of life go with me and into this blog as best as I am able.
So until the next post, thanks for reading. And whew! It’s good to be back.